I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
