You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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