why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
