And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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