My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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