Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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