just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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