I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
