My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Randomize
