Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
