question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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