i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
