OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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