RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
