I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
