My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
