I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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