The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
