she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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