just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
