I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
