just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
