I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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