the condom got lost in my hair
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
