I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
