he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
