he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
