we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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