mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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