Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize