my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
