My liver just broke up with me...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
