I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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