R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
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Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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