I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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