Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
