i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
