I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
