And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
