Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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