Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
