Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
