I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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