you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
