Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
