I wish I could teleport
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
