Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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