one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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