But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
