Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
