so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
