also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
