I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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