connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
