I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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