i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
People with herpes should wear stickers.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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