i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
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