"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
