I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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