Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
