You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
