Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
