The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize